Hide n Seek

“Baby I got the right temperature to keep you warm.”

Behind closed doors I’m yours and your arms don’t hesitate to express so.  Those sweet words flow so readily from your mouth. It’s a whole other atmosphere in this room. But the door opens and we’re surrounded by our peers and the temperate plummets. I must assume that your indifference in public is synonym to your piping love for me when we’re alone. Mustn’t I?

We’re not yet in a place where you can tell me how you truly feel without a little liquid courage or are under the influence. I wonder why and how this generation got to this point. How did we get to an era where completely expressing how you felt is being too much into it? How did we get to an era where beating around the bush is a sacred ritual that cannot be skipped? How did we get to an era where we must waste each other’s time by refusing to simply state what we want and expect? How did we get to an era where communicating your expectations is being too serious?

But in this 2018, no more. If you’re interested, terms and conditions apply so either tick the box or keep it moving.

In other news, tell those you love just how much you do. Life is too short to play it cool or play hide n seek with feelings.

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Hazy

I listen to all these love songs imagining that they are for me from you. I want to believe that forever is feasible with you and that you weren’t lying when you said, “Our love is beautiful.” But to be honest, you have a hazy understanding of forever. However, I still want you to pull me closer, slip your ever cold hand onto face, lower your head and have your gentle lips brush mine.

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Writing Prompt #1

Prompt: Finish a story with the line, “And we never spoke again.”

Turning the knob of the door that led to our bedroom, I slapped on a huge smile as I readied myself to see my husband for the first time in a year. However, the wide smile quickly fell from my face and in its place came a mouth agape in disbelief.

On the bed, was my husband with his legs shamelessly between the thick brown thighs of another woman. I never knew tears could sting with such intensity. Confrontation had never been my forte, so I simply pulled the door closed behind me, ever so slightly careful not to interrupt their lovemaking.

As the moans got louder in the background I fervently searched for a piece of paper and pen to say goodbye. Trying to calm my shaking hands and struggling to string together a few words, I jotted down a couple of words to end the ten-year relationship that had been anything but a few words. So with the words  “I understand that I could never be enough for you and wish you the best.” I  closed the door to our marriage.”

And we never spoke again.

“God will take you through places you don’t understand just to bring you to the place where he needs you to be. Trust him.”                                                          -Trent Shelton

Wander Away

Have you ever felt the hair rising on your forearm when a particular song comes on? Suddenly you travel back in time and the lyrics a heavy reminder of memories, some better left as forgotten.

Of late, I’ve been trying to relive the old days. Looking through old pictures. Listening to old favorites. Devouring the words of early writings. Trying to remember the strong drive I had. I was so convicted about what I wanted to do with my life and exactly how I was going to do it. It’s hilarious that now, I’m not entirely sure. Of course, I have a fabricated course for my life that I blurt out whenever an inquirer asks. But truth be told, I’m as unsure of those plans.

But the good news is that I’m learning to not fear the uncertainty but take joy in the journey to finding out what my purpose truly is. Our lives were not mapped out beforehand and handed to us as soon as we could read–sadly. Therefore, you’re not alone if you feel like you’re just wandering uncertain of your destination, if there is one. But I assure you that there is one. Take in the sights as you wander in the landscapes of life and soon enough your path will be revealed.

“Not all those who wander are lost.”
J.R.R Tolkien

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Can I?

Sitting here thinking of us taking our time in slow motion. Thinking what am too afraid to say out loud, because being who I truly am isn’t cool. World Commandment number 1: “Never be yourself.” I keep it all in not knowing it’s eating me away slowly by slowly on the inside. I can’t express to you how I feel because . . . I just can’t. I have experienced a lot with you but now I’m sitting back reminiscing–wondering if it was all worth it. Throwing away who I was for you? It’s funny that even after you’re gone I’m still not willing to be who I am.

When I first heard, I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t think. For a minute I was dead. I mean, I always knew you were toxic but you always made me feel some typa way babe. Yet the pain and anguish you put me through are incomparable. So why wasn’t I happy? Why did I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness? Then it hit. My knees hit the ground and my arms took to my face in an attempt to clear up the tears. Sobbing uncontrollably at the thought of never seeing you again shook my whole world. I wanted you to stay here with me. I would have even told you how I truly felt. I know we were over ages ago and we don’t talk but I would tell you. Love is the greatness that conquers anything. If you can’t return to me then I will come to you. The breeze up here is strong but I guess there’s no wind in hell. The air brushes aggressively against my face in my descent. See you soon babe.