2018. I’ve always been told that I am strong so I’ve been living life with that assumption and trying to manifest it. But this year showed me different. In all honesty this was the year that broke me.
Having to move away from family, friends and all familiarity seemed easy peasy as a notion. But the first 6 months were so rough for me. I lost my self esteem and confidence shying away from social situations because the acne attacks I went through stripped me of what I thought made me beautiful. Making friends seemed like a chore and I honestly spent 50 percent of my first college semester in my room watching Netflix.
Then as the year progressed I started to feel like myself again but shit didn’t get easier. I’ve been through some experiences that I can’t even bring myself to talk to anyone about because it would be an admission that I’m not strong. It would be embarrassing to confess that I let the very situations I protest happen to me. So I’ve been keeping in a lot of emotional trauma to keep up the illusion that I’m still Yvonne; strong, assertive, ambitious and aggressive.
I’ve been through episodes of depression but when the phone rings I’ve had to put on my best smile and insist that everything is Gucci.
My car has honestly seen the most of my rawest moments because sometimes on the drive home from work or school I’d just breakdown because the weight on my shoulders would feel unbearable. And I can’t count how many times I’ve logged onto my bank account to check if I have enough money for a one way ticket home.
But I’ve stayed. At first because I felt that I had to, because people depended on me. But now I think I’m supposed to be here. I honestly can’t tell you why but I feel that my purpose lies at the end of this rough path. It’s not going to get easier I know for sure. But I’m finding healthier outlets for how I’m feeling.
Having to get up every single day, take a shower and feed myself to stay alive has felt overwhelmingly difficult at times. I can’t even imagine how my brother has been living me with my constant mood swings and lashing out for the smallest things that have nothing to do with him but because I just don’t know to process or outlet my unhappiness, depression and pain.
I’ve had to look at pictures of myself smiling from before to remember the sensation of happiness.
Avoided mirrors that were a constant reminder that I wasn’t beautiful. Relished in the attention of men because it felt good to be told that I’m beautiful and almost got addicted to the feeling of being wanted.
Became really exposed to the sad reality of my Kenya and the chances of being successful there. I feel trapped because I never intended to live here, in the US but I feel like I can’t go back home.
This year has been made even harder by the fact that I’ve never been further from God. I’ve felt undeserving to even pray to him for the things I’ve done and think.
I lapsed from gyming because my work and school schedule were all over the place and it was easier to give up on myself. So I turned to other things to numb the pain and I can’t believe I’d drink on a week night just to feel a little happier but only for the night and be up at 6am to go to work.
In brief moments of insanity while driving I’ve felt that it wouldn’t be too bad if I just veered off the highway, went over the barrier and into the cold river below. But I’ve been afraid that I’d survive. Survive and be left with hospital bills and having to replace my car.
About two months ago I crashed my car and totaled it. Afterwards I really just wanted to break down because that was a breaking point for me but I fought tears through the police report and watching it get towed. I actually put my blood, sweat and tears into paying for it. That day had been monumental for me, I was at the genesis of a milestone ,before the accident, an exciting new chapter. And it felt like a slap in the face. I felt like I couldn’t progress because the minute I was in the brink some shit would just happen. Special thanks to my friend who held me tight while I cried unusually much for losing a car afterward.
But I had to snap back in about two days because I’ve learnt that life never stops swinging and as soon as you’re down you’ve gotta get up and stay ready.
But I’m thankful for the lessons I’ve learnt this year. It’s :
Taught me to love myself and believe that I am enough. It’s a dangerous time to depend on the validations of man to feel whole.
Taught me to remove myself from situations and people who steal my joy.
Taught me to use my writing to work through what haunts me. I’ve written some emotional pieces I don’t think I’ll ever share but it’s helping to heal. I honestly pray for healing for everyone who 2018 brought hurt.
Taught me that human beings can actually be trash, not just men but particularly them. Watched how strategically a person will hurt you then comfort you to create the illusion that it was unintentional or create a dependancy situation.
Taught me to be myself and appreciate my own company.
However more than anything, I’ve learnt to operate on pure faith at times. I’ve been down to my last dollar more times than I can remember and my car had 5 miles of gas left yet I’m 30 miles away from home and God pulls through every single time, even when I’ve doubted him. One time, I actually had to gas up my car with all the coins I could gather in purse. I think it only amounted to 3 miles which I stretched the hell out of. But God can never fail you or forsake you no matter how your relationship is.
I’m not sharing this so that I can get any sympathy but it’s to let other people going through the same shit know that they’re not alone.That they’re not crazy for being insanely unhappy or when everyone else expects happiness of them.
2019? Come at me.
And— its doesnt get easier, you get stronger.