Days

There’s a magic to a night with the dark sky littered with stars and a steady slow rain coming down. Takes me back to bitter times, times that I fought through, times that I worked hard to bury in the field of time. 

But recently I came across a statement that made me reevaluate: “In order to love who you are you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.” -Andrea Dykstra

Up until then I had been walking around upset with the world for all the storms it kept throwing my way. But I would have never become who I am now if it wasn’t for every moment I lived through. I was cheating myself by being resentful of trying times that characterized me. 

So as the rain falls I accept that shit happened, I figured it out and lived through it and therefore, I was kicking ass for more days to come. 

Love all the days: the good, the bad, the ugly, the rough, even the ones that end with tears from lost resolve, the ones that are littered with tears of laughter, the ones that are filled with joy and sadness simultaneously, the ones where you’re alone, the ones where you fall asleep in the arms of a loved one, the ones where you accomplish much, the ones where the walls seem to be crumbling all around, the ones where you have shit figured out and the ones where you feel like a headless chicken running around with no aim.

 It’s a short life, who knows what happens after but for now, it’s of no use taking up an attitude of hate towards it. 

Yearn

It’s a dangerous thing to be addicted a person, to yearn for the essence of his soul whenever he’s not around, to long for the electricity that moves through you with his arms around your waist and his breath heavy on your neck. The rush of endorphins and dopamine gives you a high you can’t get anywhere else. The further down his hand travels the heavier the buzz you begin to feel and if there was a bus leaving for heaven now you’d skip it because you’re pretty sure you’re already there.

Year of Yes

A few weeks ago, I met a South African musician at a friend of friend’s house. Going to that house was never in my plan for that day anyway therefore I believe that I was led there for a very specific purpose. There were a few other people there and were seated around a small dining table, having breakfast and casual conversation. Turns out they were all creatives of some kind, mostly musicians.

Then he turns to me and asks,

“So are you a creative too?”

With a sausage in hand, mid way to my mouth my hand paused and I blurted out,

“Oh gosh no.”

“Oh really?” with a questioning look.

At this point I remember that I do write, well more accurately, I used to write.

“Well actually, I write.” I hesitate. “I’m a writer. I used to write but I don’t do it as much.”

“You sound like you feel guilty about it.”

“Well yeah I kind of do, but I just don’t have the time.”

“I don’t know that well so I’m probably misplaced in telling you this. But that guilt. That guilt you feel from neglecting your art, it’s gonna eat away at you for the rest of your life.”

I don’t recall much of what he said thereafter. His words were like a slap to my face. I’d shelved this art that once fueled me and frankly I believe is the key to my purpose and expected that there would be no consequences.

Lately, I’ve been looking around and the people who seem the happiest are doing what they love and living off of it. And I’ve been absentmindedly been saying I wish that was me. But, I’ve been moving further and further away from my craft.

It takes 10,000 hours to perfect a skill. Sufficit to say, I’ve put in nowhere near to that amount. However, in the spirit of my year of yes I’m pursuing what feeds my soul once again. I’ve revived the blog and will work to making my writing better.

Get ready for lots of posts and do give me feedback, I really appreciate it. I encourage you to run after what feeds your soul. It may not pay the bills now but how can it ever work up to that if you never give it the chance?

Part of my campaign to live a better life is doing more of what feeds my soul.

20 Lessons

Adulting for a short while has taught me that no matter how much a person looks put together, no one really has life figured out and everyone’s just trying to act like they do. In light of my recently turning 20, I put together a few things I’ve learnt so far that I think get me a little closer.

  1. Stop worrying so much, all it accomplishes is fine lines around your eyes and forehead.
  2. Stop and smell the roses, you’ll find that the scent is actually sweet. Life can be very fast paced and if you don’t consciously stop to enjoy simple moments, it’ll pass you by.
  3. Stop riding yourself about impulse buys, money comes and goes.
  4. People are fickle.
  5. No one construct of beauty is the golden standard, beauty is 100% subjective. So, stop saying that you need a flatter stomach, smaller waist, bigger booty, bigger boobs, smaller feet, lighter skin, smaller nose, longer legs, clearer skin, longer hair, curly hair or any other standard of beauty constructed by society to feel beautiful.
  6. Don’t be in a hurry to find love, it will find you.
  7. Listen to your gut.
  8. Do NOT put in any more effort and time into any kind of relationship than the other person is willing to put forth. You’ll quickly realize who values you and who doesn’t.
  9. You do NOT owe anyone your time, love or attention.
  10. No situation is permanent. These hard times? These too shall pass.
  11. Don’t be so rigid. Open your mind to new ideas, experiences, beliefs and people.
  12. Your life cannot be governed by fear. Stop making decisions based on fear– fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of non-conformity, fear of standing out.
  13. Do not apologize for who you are — you cannot accommodate everyone’s construct of who you ought to be.
  14. Read more books, you’ll find that knowledge is power.
  15. Life is not a race. Stop comparing your progress to anyone else’s and stop listening to other people compare you to others or themselves. They barely have any context on where you are coming from and where you’re headed.
  16. Learn to enjoy your own company.
  17. “You don’t own the things that you love.” -Trevor Noah
  18. We’re all going to die so stop overthinking it.
  19. Happiness is a result of intentional living.
  20. The older you get, the more you learn, the more you realize that you know nothing.

High

Trying to bring back the buzz I felt with your arms around my waist, your chin rested on my shoulder, your hot breath on my neck. and and the night ahead of us. Could I bottle the feeling and get high off it once you’re gone?

Curious if I really loved you or was addicted to the feeling of being loved and held. 

SADNESS OF HUMANITY.

Adrenaline pumping. Heart racing. Elevated breathing.

At least that’s how I imagine it went down. He must have had a great controversy within him about whether to pull over or keep going. I mean, on one hand, he helps out and maybe no one blames him. But then again, the crowd could turn on him and this would be his last day. He never imagined that the crackle of an unhealthy fire from tires would be the accompaniment to his death. So he tells himself that it’s more logical to keep going. He presses on the gas pedal even harder almost as if he’s trying to find the conviction to keep going. On the other hand, he could have been completely calm as he drove away commenting, “Oh well,” as “Mungu Pekee” kept playing in the background.

What goes on inside the head of a human being as he decides to commit these crimes against humanity? Did this man wake up intending to run over a poor market vendor trying to make it home for lunch? Or did he simply not mind that it was now on his list of things completed? Do we even stop and think about the sins we commit?

A young black girl stands on the corner holding a huge sign that says, “She must be avenged.” Passers-by give her dirty looks and men with balls, or so they think, call her an angry black girl. Have we come to this point in life when simple wrongdoings cannot even be recognized anymore?